Short story

**erizoe** · 07-29-2006, 02:03 AM

I wrote a short story during the school year out of inspiration...it needs a TON of work...probably about 123481243 more revisions before it starts to be ready forpublishing. Want to check it out?

Sunday morning, 8 AM, the town was just waking; the birds were just finishing their morning songs. Sundays were easy going, and this was one was no different. The children would play outside, the mothers would prepare a nice dinner, the fathers would watch sports games, the retired would read the paper, and the thieves (though few) would even take a break from thieving on the seventh day. All of the towns across the world were relaxing on this Sunday. Monday morning, 8 AM, the town was already bustling. There was no time for enjoying birds today! This Monday was no different from the other days of the week. On Monday through Saturday, the children went to elementary school, the mothers cleaned the houses, the fathers worked in the factories, the retired people went grocery shopping, and the thieves were busy thieving. One family, the Beets, were very busy on this particular Monday. Mr. Beet was at work in the town factory, Mrs. Beet was at home cleaning a dusty book shelf, and the two children were starting a new chapter in school today. The weeks went by with this cycle, and then the months went by, soon years were going by. Every week was patterned after the last. There was hardly ever any change, and the people coped well when there was. The only change that the world could not cope with was the only change that mattered, the end.
The news started months ago. The news of an asteroid big and fast enough to annihilate everything was traveling to earth from another galaxy was old and forgotten, “A miscalculation,” “A trick of the media” is what everyone called it. The constant neglect and rumors drove the asteroid off track… in their minds. What happens when a variable is stuck into a equation is simple, the variable has to be added to each side of the equation. What happens when a side of the equation does not except the variable is simple, the equation is not equal on both sides, causing chaos. What happens when a society ignores a change is simple, society is chaotic.
After a few months of the threat getting more and more serious, the Beets, as well as most other families were finally realizing that the end was really happening. The future of the town was certain, the end was getting nearer and nearer every day. The people were finally accepting the end, not that it was too late. The days were getting less typical. Sundays mashed into Mondays, Saturdays were no different than Tuesdays, and certainly no less erratic than Wednesdays. The smoke coming from the factories, trying to manufacture as much as they could before the end, was clouding the suns comforting rays so that night and day were blended into one. The typical days were definitely no longer typical. Time was no longer measured in days, but hours. Each hour passed painfully and intensely. The kids stopped learning, the parents stopped working, and the thieves became more and more of a problem each hour. And then it came, the asteroid hit. When it hit the earth everyone stopped what they were doing so see a wave of shock cover every square inch around them. People, life, order, and time stopped altogether.
Every hour is now typical. Everything is the same: nothing. What happened a week ago is the same as what will happen next w

nothing. Sunday morning, 8 AM, the birds are dead, the people are dead, and the earth is now as blank as the moon. There are several possible ways that the people could have dealt with this. When you add a variable to a side of an equation, it needs to be done to both sides. When the asteroid came, one side of the equation was lacking an equal variable, the human side. Could have done one of two things, separate from each other, or unite. The people in this case separated. They turned to thievery to get tangible items for their last hours. The people turned on their families and those who relied on them. Instead of helping their neighbors, they helped themselves… to TV sets, gold watches, and fancy cars. The other thing that people could have done is worked together. People could have helped each other so that each person was comfortable when the moment came. The people could have given up personal time to help elderly and children. The people, instead of getting everything that they ever wanted, could have helped those who don’t deserve it. What is better? Is it better to help the people who don’t deserve it or to keep everything for yourself? Does it matter when the world will be over in an hour anyways?

**Pamela** · 07-29-2006, 02:57 AM

I write short stories and publish them myself,and having read this..I must say you are quite talented! You have a wonderful comand of the English language. I mean in saying this..you are descriptive,and effective in conveying your emotions and mood to the individual that reads this work.
Dear sir..my hat is off to you ^^ *in a figurative way that is *
Please grace us with more of your works,as I am now an ardent fan!

**slimp** · 07-29-2006, 03:16 AM

hmph, well luckily my dad's mormon, which means we have bomb shelters. no dying for slimp in a crisis, sorry guys.

I can't say that's a bad story, but I wouldn't buy a book that had that story in it.

Anyone know the book "Little Mouse, Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear"? BECAUSE THAT BOOK IS FREAKING INTENSELY AWESOME WHEN YOU'RE 4!
sorry I just asked my mom the name of it and it's the coolest book ever, especially if you have your mom or dad read it to you... when you're 4.

sorry this story reminded me of that because I saw it in a bookstore and my grama bought it the other day, and it's about the mouse almost loosing it's life over a red ripe strawberry! DAMN BIG HUNGRY BEAR!

**erizoe** · 07-29-2006, 03:48 AM

[quote=Pamela]I write short stories and publish them myself,and having read this..I must say you are quite talented! You have a wonderful comand of the English language. I mean in saying this..you are descriptive,and effective in conveying your emotions and mood to the individual that reads this work.
Dear sir..my hat is off to you ^^ *in a figurative way that is *
Please grace us with more of your works,as I am now an ardent fan![/quote

thank you. =) it is always nice to hear that people appreciate what I do when I am....tired and bored but can't sleep. =)

Hopefully I will get some helpful critisism and be able to make a new revision...possibly longer...I want to develope a charector or family ...readers read to follow the charector, not to learn a history lesson. ;-)

**jedimaster86** · 07-29-2006, 04:51 AM

Amazing job man...very nicely written. The only thing I see are some minor grammatical errors here and there, but the story itself is very well done.

Quote:

What happens when a side of the equation does not accept the variable is simple, the equation is not equal on both sides, causing chaos.

Quote:

After a few months of the threat getting more and more serious, the Beets, as well as most other families, were finally realizing that the end was really happening

Quote:

And then it came - the asteroid hit

I'm sure what you had was wrong, but this may make it more dramatic by separating it more via dash.

Quote:

When it hit the earth everyone stopped what they were doing to see a wave of shock cover every square inch around them.

Quote:

When the asteroid came, one side of the equation was lacking an equal variable - the human side.

Once again, prolly ok, but another effect I guess.

There could be other things, but I don't feel like being any more nit-picky than I already have.

**Tool** · 07-29-2006, 05:31 AM

The beginning reminds me of Our Town. The most played play in history.

**hellsing293** · 07-29-2006, 03:48 PM

that was actually a pretty good story. Very interesting too. A+ lol

**metalicagrl89** · 08-16-2006, 09:29 AM

That was a pretty good story overall.

**Sins-Massacre** · 08-16-2006, 01:04 PM

i can hardly read...and i still liked it...lol gj!

**Pamela** · 08-16-2006, 05:37 PM

Don't quit writing! You and I have spent hours and hours RPG ing. I KNOW how good you are! It is hard to hide real talent!

07-29-2006, 02:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
Pamela Status: A Light in your Darkness Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Florida Posts: 5,274 Credits: 297 Spent time on board: :0:0 Hours Rep Power: 16	I write short stories and publish them myself,and having read this..I must say you are quite talented! You have a wonderful comand of the English language. I mean in saying this..you are descriptive,and effective in conveying your emotions and mood to the individual that reads this work. Dear sir..my hat is off to you ^^ in a figurative way that is Please grace us with more of your works,as I am now an ardent fan! __________________ A Light in your Darkness...always there...and burning!!

07-29-2006, 03:48 PM	#7 (permalink)
hellsing293 Status: Common Sense Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 2,579 Credits: 217 Spent time on board: 3 Days and 2:51:53 Hours Rep Power: 9	that was actually a pretty good story. Very interesting too. A+ lol __________________ As long as darkness flows through my veins, I will never cease, As long as my dreams still haunt me, I will never show mercy, and as long as evil lives I will never die.....

08-16-2006, 05:37 PM	#10 (permalink)
Pamela Status: A Light in your Darkness Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Florida Posts: 5,274 Credits: 297 Spent time on board: :0:0 Hours Rep Power: 16	Don't quit writing! You and I have spent hours and hours RPG ing. I KNOW how good you are! It is hard to hide real talent! __________________ A Light in your Darkness...always there...and burning!!

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07-29-2006, 02:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
erizoe Status: Anarchist Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Cumberland, Rhode Island Posts: 975 Credits: 58 Spent time on board: 17:41:37 Hours Rep Power: 6	I wrote a short story during the school year out of inspiration...it needs a TON of work...probably about 123481243 more revisions before it starts to be ready forpublishing. Want to check it out? Sunday morning, 8 AM, the town was just waking; the birds were just finishing their morning songs. Sundays were easy going, and this was one was no different. The children would play outside, the mothers would prepare a nice dinner, the fathers would watch sports games, the retired would read the paper, and the thieves (though few) would even take a break from thieving on the seventh day. All of the towns across the world were relaxing on this Sunday. Monday morning, 8 AM, the town was already bustling. There was no time for enjoying birds today! This Monday was no different from the other days of the week. On Monday through Saturday, the children went to elementary school, the mothers cleaned the houses, the fathers worked in the factories, the retired people went grocery shopping, and the thieves were busy thieving. One family, the Beets, were very busy on this particular Monday. Mr. Beet was at work in the town factory, Mrs. Beet was at home cleaning a dusty book shelf, and the two children were starting a new chapter in school today. The weeks went by with this cycle, and then the months went by, soon years were going by. Every week was patterned after the last. There was hardly ever any change, and the people coped well when there was. The only change that the world could not cope with was the only change that mattered, the end. The news started months ago. The news of an asteroid big and fast enough to annihilate everything was traveling to earth from another galaxy was old and forgotten, “A miscalculation,” “A trick of the media” is what everyone called it. The constant neglect and rumors drove the asteroid off track… in their minds. What happens when a variable is stuck into a equation is simple, the variable has to be added to each side of the equation. What happens when a side of the equation does not except the variable is simple, the equation is not equal on both sides, causing chaos. What happens when a society ignores a change is simple, society is chaotic. After a few months of the threat getting more and more serious, the Beets, as well as most other families were finally realizing that the end was really happening. The future of the town was certain, the end was getting nearer and nearer every day. The people were finally accepting the end, not that it was too late. The days were getting less typical. Sundays mashed into Mondays, Saturdays were no different than Tuesdays, and certainly no less erratic than Wednesdays. The smoke coming from the factories, trying to manufacture as much as they could before the end, was clouding the suns comforting rays so that night and day were blended into one. The typical days were definitely no longer typical. Time was no longer measured in days, but hours. Each hour passed painfully and intensely. The kids stopped learning, the parents stopped working, and the thieves became more and more of a problem each hour. And then it came, the asteroid hit. When it hit the earth everyone stopped what they were doing so see a wave of shock cover every square inch around them. People, life, order, and time stopped altogether. Every hour is now typical. Everything is the same: nothing. What happened a week ago is the same as what will happen next w nothing. Sunday morning, 8 AM, the birds are dead, the people are dead, and the earth is now as blank as the moon. There are several possible ways that the people could have dealt with this. When you add a variable to a side of an equation, it needs to be done to both sides. When the asteroid came, one side of the equation was lacking an equal variable, the human side. Could have done one of two things, separate from each other, or unite. The people in this case separated. They turned to thievery to get tangible items for their last hours. The people turned on their families and those who relied on them. Instead of helping their neighbors, they helped themselves… to TV sets, gold watches, and fancy cars. The other thing that people could have done is worked together. People could have helped each other so that each person was comfortable when the moment came. The people could have given up personal time to help elderly and children. The people, instead of getting everything that they ever wanted, could have helped those who don’t deserve it. What is better? Is it better to help the people who don’t deserve it or to keep everything for yourself? Does it matter when the world will be over in an hour anyways?

07-29-2006, 03:16 AM	#3 (permalink)
slimp Status: Forum Elder Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Salem, Oregon Posts: 697 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 5	hmph, well luckily my dad's mormon, which means we have bomb shelters. no dying for slimp in a crisis, sorry guys. I can't say that's a bad story, but I wouldn't buy a book that had that story in it. Anyone know the book "Little Mouse, Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear"? BECAUSE THAT BOOK IS FREAKING INTENSELY AWESOME WHEN YOU'RE 4! sorry I just asked my mom the name of it and it's the coolest book ever, especially if you have your mom or dad read it to you... when you're 4. sorry this story reminded me of that because I saw it in a bookstore and my grama bought it the other day, and it's about the mouse almost loosing it's life over a red ripe strawberry! DAMN BIG HUNGRY BEAR!

07-29-2006, 03:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
erizoe Status: Anarchist Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Cumberland, Rhode Island Posts: 975 Credits: 58 Spent time on board: 17:41:37 Hours Rep Power: 6	[quote=Pamela]I write short stories and publish them myself,and having read this..I must say you are quite talented! You have a wonderful comand of the English language. I mean in saying this..you are descriptive,and effective in conveying your emotions and mood to the individual that reads this work. Dear sir..my hat is off to you ^^ in a figurative way that is Please grace us with more of your works,as I am now an ardent fan![/quote thank you. =) it is always nice to hear that people appreciate what I do when I am....tired and bored but can't sleep. =) Hopefully I will get some helpful critisism and be able to make a new revision...possibly longer...I want to develope a charector or family ...readers read to follow the charector, not to learn a history lesson. ;-)

07-29-2006, 05:31 AM	#6 (permalink)
Tool Status: Hooker with a Pen!s Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Norwalk, Iowa Posts: 3,315 Credits: 16 Spent time on board: 2:57:16 Hours Rep Power: 11	The beginning reminds me of Our Town. The most played play in history.

08-16-2006, 09:29 AM	#8 (permalink)
metalicagrl89 Status: Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: In The Shadows Posts: 74 Credits: 100 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 3	That was a pretty good story overall.

08-16-2006, 01:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
Sins-Massacre Status: Forum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ohio Posts: 51 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 3	i can hardly read...and i still liked it...lol gj!