Foog's first poem ever - Page 2 - Blizzard Sector

**RILEY** · 02-23-2005, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by liquidshaggy

sry it's a good poem i think

foog, he's apologizing for his spam before.....I think

**AmourAffair** · 02-23-2005, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RILEY

foog, he's apologizing for his spam before.....I think

Or, his lack of spelling "skill."

**Foog** · 02-25-2005, 08:15 PM

or lack of a brain.

Is there any way
I can make your life worth living
So that I dont have to pray every day
That you'll make it?
You looked into my eyes and told me
That I was the only thing worth living for...
How can that be?
I am just a boy. A mere child of 15,
Yet you ask me to shoulder the weight of two lives.
One's more than enough, my dear, but if this is what you say,
I'll do all in my power to make sure you survive.
I can't bear the simple thought
That I might have to risk this life on my own...
You, too, are the only thing left for me.
So what now, my dear, shall we live our lives together?
Or be so romantic that we end them both.
We both fear the thought of our lives without each other
That maybe we deserve to end up in heaven.
I promised you once that I'd never leave your side...
And whatever I have to do to uphold that pact,

I swear to God I'll do it.

**Obfuscate** · 02-25-2005, 08:46 PM

foog I'm going to be straight with you. I've been writing and reading poetry for the better half of my near 21yrs of existence and comparatively your poems are amatureistic at best and lack the qualities necessary to be published. They show promise of improvement but still have a good leg of the race to run before they can start to see the finish line.

This is not meant to be discouraging by any means. It is meant to, hopefully, encourage you to improve upon what literary skills you already posses, one of which seems to be a muse and is something most writers are hard pressed to find alot of the time. The most important thing I can suggest to you is to buy, yearly now, an up to date thesaurus and USE IT. I can guarentee it will prove its worth in time and become a valuable asset.

**Foog** · 02-25-2005, 09:28 PM

but i like my old style of writing.
bah
your suggestion has been duly noted...thanks.

**Stifle_this** · 02-25-2005, 09:33 PM

id just like to point out that its not a sonnet cause it doesnt have the rhyme sceme of a sonnet, which i believe is ababcdcdefefgg, so sorry to say but its not

**Za avatar** · 03-25-2005, 07:54 PM

It was great as a first.....but i have to agree with sinner there is room for improvement
I'm sure u can get it published if you wanted to try.
It has that shakespear ring to it that would make it easy to publish.
You ever tell it to your girl?
She would melt for ya:

**kuruba_shadowz** · 11-11-2005, 05:00 PM

damn..good job foog that was great...i would never b able to write something so..deep..lol good job

**TroGdoR** · 11-11-2005, 07:48 PM

No imagery, no metaphor, no similes...No rhythm. And amatuers might as well start off rhyming because they lack the skills necessary to do w/out such a device. These poems are no better than writing a short story down on paper. In a poem, your sole purpose is to develop all of your feelings and visualize them for other people. By reading the poems, we can all tell how much you love (or loved) the one you wrote them about. However nobody here can see further than that. Nobody can relate to your struggles or successes because we can't see them in your words.
Not bad for someone who claims they never wrote before, but definitely don't start publishing your writing like our fellow members suggest you do. In other words, don't get in over your head yet, first do the work necessary to impress the people who actually know how to write poetry.

Prowler · 12-10-2005, 02:13 AM

hey nice poem. i think i'll use it for my girl. thx.

**Soul Collector** · 12-12-2005, 04:42 PM

wow, there sure are a lot of ack-holios on here...foog-the poem is fine....poetry does not have to follow any set "standards", because it's the people who dare to color out side of the lines that end up being the greatest in the end--what i'm trying to say, foog, is that you continue to develop your own style, and don't let people with half a brain tell you you're wrong for doing it....cause obviously they're to lame to come up with their own image-pozers-go join the crowd....

**Osirus** · 12-12-2005, 08:38 PM

nice poem foog... lol you should make a poem request section like the sig lol for people to request poem's.... hmm nvm might be a bad idea..
also my x g/f has a crap load of peoms she writes everyday she is trying to make a book there awsome peoms i should see if she will let me post some.

02-25-2005, 08:46 PM	#24 (permalink)
Obfuscate Status: Bro Rapist Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Somewhere near something next to this and that Posts: 2,174 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 82 Spent time on board: 2 Days and 22:51:33 Hours Rep Power: 8	foog I'm going to be straight with you. I've been writing and reading poetry for the better half of my near 21yrs of existence and comparatively your poems are amatureistic at best and lack the qualities necessary to be published. They show promise of improvement but still have a good leg of the race to run before they can start to see the finish line. This is not meant to be discouraging by any means. It is meant to, hopefully, encourage you to improve upon what literary skills you already posses, one of which seems to be a muse and is something most writers are hard pressed to find alot of the time. The most important thing I can suggest to you is to buy, yearly now, an up to date thesaurus and USE IT. I can guarentee it will prove its worth in time and become a valuable asset. __________________ "One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. " - Beilby Porteus, Death, A Poem

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02-25-2005, 08:15 PM	#23 (permalink)
Foog Status: F* SLIMP Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: C:\Program Files\Adobe\Photoshop CS 2.exe Posts: 2,962** Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 30 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 10	or lack of a brain. Is there any way I can make your life worth living So that I dont have to pray every day That you'll make it? You looked into my eyes and told me That I was the only thing worth living for... How can that be? I am just a boy. A mere child of 15, Yet you ask me to shoulder the weight of two lives. One's more than enough, my dear, but if this is what you say, I'll do all in my power to make sure you survive. I can't bear the simple thought That I might have to risk this life on my own... You, too, are the only thing left for me. So what now, my dear, shall we live our lives together? Or be so romantic that we end them both. We both fear the thought of our lives without each other That maybe we deserve to end up in heaven. I promised you once that I'd never leave your side... And whatever I have to do to uphold that pact, I swear to God I'll do it.

02-25-2005, 09:28 PM	#25 (permalink)
Foog Status: F* SLIMP Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: C:\Program Files\Adobe\Photoshop CS 2.exe Posts: 2,962** Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 30 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 10	but i like my old style of writing. bah your suggestion has been duly noted...thanks.

02-25-2005, 09:33 PM	#26 (permalink)
Stifle_this Status: Always One Step Ahead Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: turn around Posts: 1,784 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 150 Spent time on board: 0:08:22 Hours Rep Power: 8	id just like to point out that its not a sonnet cause it doesnt have the rhyme sceme of a sonnet, which i believe is ababcdcdefefgg, so sorry to say but its not

03-25-2005, 07:54 PM	#27 (permalink)
Za avatar Status: Veteran Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 209 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 165 Spent time on board: 0:40:03 Hours Rep Power: 4	It was great as a first.....but i have to agree with sinner there is room for improvement I'm sure u can get it published if you wanted to try. It has that shakespear ring to it that would make it easy to publish. You ever tell it to your girl? She would melt for ya:

11-11-2005, 05:00 PM	#28 (permalink)
kuruba_shadowz Status: Forum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: cali Posts: 65 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 4	damn..good job foog that was great...i would never b able to write something so..deep..lol good job

11-11-2005, 07:48 PM	#29 (permalink)
TroGdoR Status: The Burninator Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Benmark(a sub-level country underneath Denmark) Posts: 1,902 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: 3:19:14 Hours Rep Power: 8	No imagery, no metaphor, no similes...No rhythm. And amatuers might as well start off rhyming because they lack the skills necessary to do w/out such a device. These poems are no better than writing a short story down on paper. In a poem, your sole purpose is to develop all of your feelings and visualize them for other people. By reading the poems, we can all tell how much you love (or loved) the one you wrote them about. However nobody here can see further than that. Nobody can relate to your struggles or successes because we can't see them in your words. Not bad for someone who claims they never wrote before, but definitely don't start publishing your writing like our fellow members suggest you do. In other words, don't get in over your head yet, first do the work necessary to impress the people who actually know how to write poetry.

12-10-2005, 02:13 AM	#30 (permalink)
Prowler Status: Newcomer Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 2 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 0	hey nice poem. i think i'll use it for my girl. thx.

12-12-2005, 04:42 PM	#31 (permalink)
Soul Collector Status: Forum Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Chucktown( Money Mount?)<Mt. Pleasant> Posts: 87 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 0 Spent time on board: - Rep Power: 4	wow, there sure are a lot of ack-holios on here...foog-the poem is fine....poetry does not have to follow any set "standards", because it's the people who dare to color out side of the lines that end up being the greatest in the end--what i'm trying to say, foog, is that you continue to develop your own style, and don't let people with half a brain tell you you're wrong for doing it....cause obviously they're to lame to come up with their own image-pozers-go join the crowd....

12-12-2005, 08:38 PM	#32 (permalink)
Osirus Status: Forum Elder Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: California Posts: 753 Tournaments Joined: 0 Tournament Wins: 0 Credits: 69 Spent time on board: 19:19:57 Hours Rep Power: 5	nice poem foog... lol you should make a poem request section like the sig lol for people to request poem's.... hmm nvm might be a bad idea.. also my x g/f has a crap load of peoms she writes everyday she is trying to make a book there awsome peoms i should see if she will let me post some.