The story was interesting. Is this college level? I find it to be a bit wordy. It seems to be almost over descriptive. I'm under the assumption that you have a word limit on this narrative essay. The over abundance of adjectives and adverbs tends to make the essay difficult to read from my perspective. It seems to lack proper flow for an enjoyable read.

I do on the other hand find it to be quite creative and once I got past the heavy wordage, I liked it. My curiosity has been stirred as to what letter grade you received on this narrative. All in all, great job.

Oh yeah. I don't like your use of em dashes. I find them unwarranted. As a reader I feel that a comma would have done the trick just fine.

Sorry about being nit picky. Just an opinion.

Again, good job.